On a busy trashy backstreet in Rotterdam dodging bikes, I lulled behind him day dreaming of your lips as he led me to a music shop.
Sheltering from the rain, giggling, holding hands and sneaking kisses as I browsed.
There I found your soundtrack.
The cover, a deep dark blue swallowing a bright shimmery moon. The title: Cease To Begin.
Releasing his hand I slipped the headset on, motioning I was going to listen to the sample.
I closed my eyes, he caressed my arm and walked away to browse around the shop looking for anything that caught his eyes.
Meanwhile my mind wandered to that scene from that Radiohead music video I had seen a million times on TV.
“When you were here before, I couldn’t look you in the eye…”
In a twisted way I felt like Johnny Depp, my eyes stalking him, such a sweet talk dark and dashing guy. While the feelings and music playing in my head were something else entirely that made me sigh deeply remembering the way your mustache brushed against my lips and the scent of your skin. Like I was back there, your lips touching my lips.
“And no one, is ever gonna love you more than I do.”
For a few seconds I was drifting off, into your arms, eyes locked through the mirror. Your breath moving closer to that spot behind my ear you liked to kiss, and sometimes bite. Involuntarily a gasp left me my body slightly trembling. I quickly followed it with an audible, “hmmm….”
Composing myself, I turned to look around the shop for him and when I met his gaze I motioned at the headset nodding at him with a thumbs up, “This one is really good, I’m getting it!”
I head up to the cash register and ring up the CD, I swipe my card and it’s stuffed in a small white paper bag. My movements very intentional and focused, as if I was worried someone had noticed where I had been and with whom.
Putting on a show of casual naturalness as if trying to convince the very furniture and walls, there’s nothing to see here. I could not help think to myself that someone was going to notice me standing there awkwardly.
But they didn’t. He didn’t.
That was the beginning, when I ceased to begin my little mental jumps to visit that time space where you and I were still together. Slipping back to being the version of me whose every inch of skin called out your name.
While I held his hand tight, living our adventure. I ceased to hold the line and maintain the boundary.
I ceased questioning the currents of my heart, and my journey back to you could begin.
